February 20, 2008

Dear Family,

I’m grateful for the time that writing affords in dealing with emotional situations such as this.

When we initially received the call that an abnormality had been detected in Caleb’s brain scan we were of course very concerned. As Susan came home from a few worship services with tears of gratitude as a result of the expressions of care and concern I did my best to reassure her and mentally accounted for her emotions as a by-product of pregnancy.

The first opportunity I had to attend services I confidently took my accustomed spot in the auditorium with the knowledge that there would be comments of support, and that I would handle them with calm appreciation. This confidence was shaken as, just before services started, a brother came down to ask if I would mind if he announced a prayer service after worship for Caleb. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat as I struggled with my pride – and then I realized that a brother in Christ was asking if it was my desire that dozens of Christians focused their attention on my son, my family, and those attending to us? I was startled by the depth of my pride that would dare to consider turning down such an opportunity. Outwardly I sniggered at the trouble I was having with a question that any 5 year old would know the answer to and quickly and self consciously gave my permission for the announcement to be made.

I spent the rest of the service hardening myself to the sympathetic looks and hugs, sure that I could get through it. Services ended and I began looking for my daughter so we could get home. As I passed by the room designated for the prayer service I was surprised to see my daughter sitting with her Grandmother waiting for the prayers to begin. It suddenly became difficult to focus and to speak as my emotions triumphed over my self-control - I shamefully informed Mike that I did not feel equal to being in the room while the prayers were conducted. I went outside and waited. I became aware of some time passing and went back in to check on things and was astonished to see that the room could not contain the number who chose stay and to speak to God on our behalf – they had overflowed into the auditorium.

I sat down and struggled with some low, small part of myself that did not want others to care so much, and was embarrassed by the attention. I again asked myself “You don’t want this!? - how arrogant are you?” About this time another new father came out to speak to me and listened to me express these thoughts, lending me the kind of brief un-spoken camaraderie I was more comfortable with.

The meeting adjourned and I went back in for a last look around and noticed one of the ladies of the congregation I admired most coming up the aisle. I meant to pass quickly by but she stopped me with one of her peaceful, powerful understanding looks and said “Tom…I know how you feel…it is an overwhelming and humbling thing to know that so many care for you and love you”.

She was right. Day after day, week after week, and month after month I go to services, tell the preacher he did a good job, shake some hands, and sing some songs to demonstrate my Christianity. I realize now that this is not real, or, if real, so shallow a reality that it cannot support or stimulate growth. Hundreds of people in this and other congregations praying for my family, feeding us, calling us to check, supplying us with things we don’t even remember mentioning; these demonstrations of a common bond in Jesus - this is real love, real faith, real Christianity.

From now on every time I read the words "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.", I will see your names, faces, and tears; feel your hugs, and your hands gripping my arms; and I will hear your expressions of love, devotion, and faith.

Thank you God, for watering and tilling the shallow ground of my faith with the strength and tears of your people, and thank you precious friends for your care.

Tom and Susan